<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>This Constant Noise (I Will Hold) by 10MileSoul</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27786118">This Constant Noise (I Will Hold)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/10MileSoul/pseuds/10MileSoul'>10MileSoul</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alexsandr Kallus Needs A Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Character Study, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Overthinking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:15:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27786118</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/10MileSoul/pseuds/10MileSoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A sleepless night; Kallus and Zeb confront their self-inflicted barriers, the insecurities and fears that still keep them just out of reach from one another.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>This Constant Noise (I Will Hold)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Velvet fur delicately brushes against cool skin. Warmth exudes there, rising and falling in rhythm to faint heartbeats and soft breathing. One would hardly know that these are the breaths of warriors.</p><p>Garazeb Orrelios sleeps.</p><p>Alexsandr Kallus lies awake beside him. The sheets carefully twist around his neck, they don’t allow him to be vulnerable, they don’t allow him to sleep. Relentless machinery turns in his mind as he flips to his side. An air purifier hums, durasteel rumbles and creaks, silhouettes dance by the light at the bottom of the door.</p><p>He turns again.</p><p>Again.</p><p>Kallus sits up, grabbing his head in frustration. </p><p>He turns to face away from the cramped bunk. A clawed hand lazily grabs for his waist, genuine and wanting, but Kallus doesn’t accept it. These persistent thoughts pull him away. As cold feet collide with cooler durasteel, Kallus gets up from the bed, and a half-asleep Zeb reaches out for him, but slips back down into the naked bliss of slumber.</p><p>Weary and worn eyes scan around the dark room and pause at Zeb's bare form. At his soft lips. The stripes that twist and bend at every curve on the muscles of his thighs. The gruesome scars across his chest. His coarse beard.</p><p>He is so beautiful.</p><p>The ship rattles as Kallus walks over to the table and takes a sip from Zeb’s water canteen, which is cool but doesn’t cause the cogs to rust. He looks at the mirror and doesn’t understand. He is so cold. He is so vulnerable. A bloodied knife brandishes his side. His Garazeb doesn’t seem to think so. His Garazeb sees him among the stars.</p><p>
  <em>But he’s mistaken; if only he could see me how I can.</em>
</p><p>Kallus opens the door and slowly walks down the dark halls of the Ghost, light shadows taunting him. He enters the cockpit, shielding his eyes at the spiraling light blue hue of hyperspace in the viewport. There is this mesmerizing calm to it, and he sits down in a chair and decides to stay for a while.</p><p>Time passes.</p><p>More.</p><p>Kallus shivers. He tries to change his tone, tempting fate. His hands reach out to the other seats but they are all empty. It's fine though, he is used to it. The forgiveness of isolation, the serenity of his own company. No expectations, no thoughts, no judgment. For a moment, the whole world forgets about him, and because of that, his mind is momentarily at peace. An artificial peace, one that is deceiving and false.</p><p>A door is heard opening, accompanied by clumsy footsteps. They walk into the refresher for a while and then head down the hall, and the cockpit door opens. A sleepy Zeb yawns and wordlessly walks into the cockpit, collapsing into the seat beside Kallus. The chair creaks. “Up so early?” Zeb grumbles.</p><p>Kallus nods his head and smiles wanly, admiring the stripes on Zeb. A familiar warmth fills Kallus from the belly up. Zeb grasps his hand, squeezing it softly. It is enough.</p><p>“When do we land?” Kallus whispers.</p><p>“Hmmm. Hera should be up at about five hundred. Two hours.”</p><p>He hums in acknowledgment, and Zeb feels Kallus' nails. They are short and uneven, rough against his coarse hand.</p><p>“Gotta stop biting that. Nasty habit.”</p><p>“I know,” Kallus recoils, pulling his cold hands to his chest. They both sit, transfixed by the vacuum of hyperspace. It is a loud noise but one that is oddly quiet. “I prefer the stillness here,” Kallus explains for no reason in particular.</p><p>Zeb carefully examines the cockpit, even though he doesn’t care for it. “Mhm,” he agrees, scratching his beard.</p><p>And Kallus doesn’t think he could ever be more in love.</p><p>He studies Zeb. His big clumsy hands. The thick hair on his strong chest. The little furs that stick up just a bit on the top of his head that Zeb always fusses about. Kallus watches Zeb as if it was the last time he would ever see him. And the cogs slow down. And the machinery calms.</p><p>But then they start up again because he is so afraid. So afraid to lose this. So afraid to slip back into that closed-off mindset that feels so natural and comfortable to him. Because how could Kallus ever be good enough for him? After everything he had done, after everything he had been.</p><p>Zeb looks up again and leans forward. He brushes the hair out of Kallus’ face and cups his jaw, rubbing rough hands around his beard. “What’s on your mind?” he asks.</p><p>Kallus smiles a false smile. “Just tired,” he says, but Zeb knows his Kallus too well.</p><p>Zeb admires his beauty. He studies Kallus’ subtle amber eyes. The coarse chest hair that alluringly trails down his abdomen. The broad, slightly uneven shoulders from an injury that Kallus is always self-conscious of. The brilliant spots- <em>freckles, Zeb</em>- that paint his pale body. Zeb watches Kallus as if it was the last time he would ever see him. And the heartbeat slows. And he focuses on his breath. And then they all speed up again because he is so afraid. Afraid that if he does so much as blink, he’ll open his eyes and Kallus will be gone.</p><p>Because how can he afford to lose more? His home, his people, Kanan, Ezra. He feels himself crawling back into that hardened shell. The one that guards his heart with the purest stone, the one that turns everyone who tries to get close away. Because it’s easier that way. Because that way, he has nothing to lose.</p><p>This half-open gate, the stubborn persistent barrier that they create between themselves, no matter how close their bodies get. Kallus can’t hear it, but Zeb’s heart shatters into a million pieces. He is so foolish. Foolish to make himself vulnerable when the shields are still up. Because he sees porcelain skin turn into a tactile sharpness and then pierce through his vital organs. It's fine, he didn’t need them anyway.</p><p>So, the two sit, cogs and stone. Ticking brains and heavy hearts.</p><p>Zeb can’t stand it. His ears fold back and gets up from his chair, inching closer to Kallus.</p><p>He won’t allow that space to be. He gently embraces Kallus, and there's no need for questions because Zeb understands. They hold, and the loud melancholic noise in Kallus’ head becomes a quiet and beautiful soft hum. Porcelain skin and hardened stone soften and melt, a chemical reaction more brilliant than nuclear fusion but as quiet as a speck of dust falling to the ground. Gears and cogs unwind, heartbeats slow. The space between them closes indefinitely, completely.</p><p>They understand.</p><p>“You are more than good enough,” Zeb whispers.</p><p>“I won’t leave you,” Kallus whispers.</p><p>This constant noise becomes a whisper. Zeb’s shoulders relax and Kallus’ eyes finally grow heavy.</p><p><em>I love you</em>, he thinks. <em>I'll hold onto you forever. </em></p><p>
  <em>Because you’re the only one I see. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because nothing else makes sense. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will hold.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! I recommend checking out the songs "Service Bell" and "Slow Life" by Grizzly Bear, the atmosphere of those songs really influenced this piece.</p><p>Any feedback is greatly appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>